Nicole Marie Says

Dec 31 2012

It’s the year end post I always only write in my head.

Honestly, I’ve read so many “Peace out, 2012. What up, 2013?” posts at this point that I have no idea what to say in my own.

I can’t tell you how many times I talked about the days, weeks, and months going by too quickly over the course of the last year. But now, looking back, January 1, 2012 seems a world away.

It’s funny that I’d think that this year, of all years, when it’s the first time since 2007 that I’m celebrating a new year living in the same residence as I did the new year before. The top of 2011 was wildly different from the beginning of 2012 in the most obvious of ways, but this year still seems more significant. On the outside, I live in the same place with the same people and I still have the same jobs; the differences between last year at this time and now are largely internal, and being the introvert that I am (YES. REALLY. I AM.), I could ruminate on them for hours.

Don’t worry. I’ll spare you.

I don’t know if the way I feel is indicative of the events of the past year, or if it has more to do with the fact that I’m turning 30 in a few short months. Reliable sources have told me that 29 into 30 was pretty damn impressive, so I’m rolling with that. I guess if I could sum it up in a word it would be “confidence”- not the loud, braggy kind, but the quiet certainty that comes with being comfortable in one’s skin and feeling ownership of one’s choices. It’s not perfect, and it’s not constant, but it’s there.

Last year when the whole internet was choosing a word for the upcoming year I went with “begin”. Meaning STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND JUST EFFING DO IT ALREADY WHO CARES IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO OR HOW TO GET THERE JUST SHUT UP AND START GOING YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT. (Much like this post!) It’s what led me to diving back into old things (like dancing and painting again), trying new things (like CrossFit and rappelling down a building), writing more, and breaking my own heart. Everything I just listed was scary to some degree, but the “what’s the worst that could happen?” philosophy really saw me through.

This year, I think I’m going with “commit”. Meaning IF YOU LOVE THAT THEN GIVE A PIECE OF YOURSELF (OR EVERYTHING) TO IT AND REALLY EFFING TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF IT ALL GOES TO HELL THEN AT LEAST YOU TRIED SO WHAT IF IT HURTS YOU WILL SURVIVE. Maybe “balls to the wall” would be a more accurate representation of that theme, but it’s a word we’re looking for, not a phrase, and “commit” is just classier. And lord knows I keep it klassy. (sip of YTS)

I’m feeling like I’m in a really good place to make commitments, and I can attribute that to the people I’m fortunate enough have in my life. This year I learned that what I really value in my most intimate relationships (in addition to honesty) is the permission to fail. The space to all out fall flat on my face and still feel just as loved as I did before everything went SPLAT and I started crying on a shoulder/into a glass of Jameson. And a couple of those people I either didn’t know at all or weren’t playing that role in my life a year ago- which is totally mind blowing to me. LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR DRUNK TEXTS AT MIDNIGHT, FOLKS. Thank you for listening to me ramble about the same thing for the 16,000th time, buying the strongest drinks, sending thoughtful emails and texts, giving the best hugs, turning a blind eye to my ugly cry, never telling me you told me so, and simply showing up. You’re the best, and I commit to being the same for you as we move forward.

OK. I’m getting a little emotional, and I have a party to get to. I love your faces. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dec 10 2012

How to Pack for a Trip

In the weeks before your trip, think about how excited you are to pack. Feel motivated to pack. Tell yourself it’s way too early and would only inconvenience your life if you were to start packing now.

3 days prior to departure make a list of the days you’ll be away and the corresponding high/low temperatures predicted from the Weather Channel. List the activities you’re planning and the details of three outfits you’d like to bring with you. Lose interest.

2 days prior to departure acknowledge that if you want to look anything resembling human for your vacation you will need to do laundry. You’ll have the time, but decide to put it off.

1 day prior to departure gather every piece of dirty laundry in your world and bring it to the laundromat for wash and fold service. Watch the owner clap and giggle with glee when your order weighs in at 42#.

Run errands, retrieve laundry, cook yourself dinner. It may be dark out, but it’s only 5pm! You have so much time!

Make a batch of limnoncello while watching Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother. Slice your right index fingernail to shreds. Repair the nail (and guard your raw, exposed nail bed) with a patch made from a teabag and super glue. Decide to polish your nails with Essie’s Little Brown Dress. Nice save, bro. Nice save.

Feel helpless because your nails are wet and start to feel a vague sort of anxiety coming over you. Chatting with a friend online will help. So will some honey Jack on the rocks and a couple of episodes of the Joy the Baker podcast.

Decide that you really want to come back to a clean apartment, so you put away all (most of) the laundry you picked up this afternoon.

Commit to packing light and therefore being super organized and meticulous in your packing. Slow and steady.

Start a blog post.

Read Thought Catalogue. No, not just the new articles. Sift through articles from the summer, too.

Start piecing together the outfits you wrote on that sheet of paper two days ago. Realize you can’t find your black stretchy dress and become obsessed with the hunt. You planned on wearing it, you have the sweater to wear it with, and you really like the way your legs look in it when you’re wearing the heather gray tights you made sure to wash today and your ankle boots.

Decide you should charge/load your iPod Shuffle. The charger has gone missing, too. Be pissed and start obsessively looking for that in addition to your dress.

Start to clear off your bed even though you haven’t put a single piece of clothing in your bag. Mostly because you still can’t decide which bag to bring.

Get under the covers and finish your blog post.

Decide a three hour nap is worth your while and embrace the eminent shift to “throw random shit into a less than practical bag” mode tomorrow. Because you never learn.

Nov 30 2012

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NaBloPoMo2012

NAILED IT

Tomorrow is December 1st, which makes today November 30th, which makes it that last day of NaBloPoMo 2012. In a totally selfish way, this might be my favorite NaBloPoMo yet. I say selfish because I didn’t take a lot of time to comment on other people’s blogs; actually, my blog reading commitment level has even been a little lower than usual.

What I’m happy with is that it feels like the month flew by, and normally I’d be sitting here freaking out about where it went and wondering what the hell I did with all that time. A quick glance through my blog reminded me that I dug myself out of a major laundry hole, had some wonderful friend time, enjoyed two great museum experiences, saw a bunch of shows, and made some tasty food. There were bigger, more conceptual posts, photos, and some entries that simply stated what I was up to that day. I’m really happy that I have that, and it’s good motivation to keep it up. Vlogging is still my favorite platform for putting my thoughts on the internet, but I need to be writing sometimes too.

I’ll see you around real soon. Thanks for reading!

Nov 29 2012

How To: Write About Your Feelings On The Internet (Without Losing All of Your Friends)

When Ashley was volunteering her guest posting talents, I was all over that. We had originally said it was for December, but she’s really good at life so she sent me her post today. I love it so much (especially in light of a couple of recent posts of my own), that I wanted to publish it today. I already feel empowered by her advice; I hope you enjoy it, too. Thanks, Ashley!

How To: Write About Your Feelings On The Internet (Without Losing All of Your Friends)

If you read Nicole’s blog regularly, then you’re probably familiar with me. I’m one of the Ashleys she mentions often. The one who blogs at Writing To Reach You. I’m here because Nicole asked me to write about “feeeeeeeeeeeelings” and then to write a post about “feelings and laundry” as my alter ego @smugtoreach. We settled on a post about how to write honestly on the internet when you’re not anonymous and you don’t want to offend the people in your life. I have a lot of experience with this.

I think the first step is to realize that writing about yourself honestly is a risk, but it is probably not as big of a deal as you think it is. This is just a blog. Everyone who is reading has their own stuff going on. Most people will not be too alarmed when you admit you are a real person with feelings who sometimes struggles with things. Most of what you think is a big revelation will not be a big revelation. I think people sometimes think they can’t write about things they’re just scared to write about, and that’s fine, but you should recognize that the problem is fear. Most of your favorite writers have taken those risks and not only did they create great art, but the world didn’t crumble down around them.

The rule is that you should only tell your own stories, but your stories are going to involve other people. Anne Lamott says: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” I love that quote for its angst, but my life isn’t exactly full of people who have done me wrong, so I just need the reminder that what has happened to me belongs to me and I have the right to tell it. I would never write anything to intentionally hurt someone, even someone who has hurt me, but I do want to tell the truth about myself and my life.

So I try to be very specific about how I feel and vague about the details. I don’t hide the fact that I’m being vague. I will actually say things like, “A thing happened and [this is how it made me feel].” I try to keep the focus on myself, which is not exactly a challenge for a personal blogger. I’m writing because there’s something that I need to work through, and I won’t go as far as saying that the details are unimportant (and I share them whenever I can), but people can relate to what I’m saying even if they don’t know exactly what happened. Some feelings are universal.

I like to say that I gave up being passive aggressive when I was 25. The temptation is still there sometimes, but I don’t let it in. Don’t be vague to make yourself sound mysterious or to get attention. That’s manipulative. To me, it’s like ellipses. I hate when people use ellipses as a way of suggesting something without actually having to say it. I hate it because it’s weak and puts the burden of actually doing something on the other person. If you’re going to say something, then really say it and put a period at the end of it. Let people react how they will. It’s the same thing with writing about your feelings on the internet. Don’t do it to try to say something to someone without actually having to say it. That’s unfair and there’s a really good chance you’re going to be disappointed.

I don’t expect anyone in my life to read my blog. It is really nice that many of them do, but it’s not a condition of friendship. Unless they tell me specifically that they’ve read something I’ve written, then I just assume they haven’t. That makes it easier for me to write. Let blogging be this weird thing you do, and continue with all of your relationships as normal. Most people will rarely mention it, even if they read your blog regularly, some will comment occasionally, and others will bring it up at a bar in front of a bunch of people, and you will change the topic as quickly as you can.

You’re making yourself vulnerable by sharing your feelings on the internet, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept whatever reaction anyone has to your blog. It’s up to you to set the boundaries. You don’t have to answer any questions you don’t want to answer, you can glare at the person who brings it up in front of a room full of people, and if someone reacts in a way that’s not appropriate, you should tell them so. If you legitimately offend someone, then apologize and learn from it, but don’t stop writing. Keep telling your stories. They belong to you.

Nov 28 2012

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NaBloPoMo2012

Why? BECAUSE I FEEL SO.

Tonight I was on the phone with a friend of mine while he was on his way home from a date. He was trying to figure out what happens next. I said, “Take a day or two. Wait to see if you’re thinking about her. If you are, then tell her. If you want to see her again, ask her out. Just see how you feel.”

We went back and forth a bit, but I kept coming back to the concept of listening to how you feel and then being honest about it. Everything else seems like a waste of time.

I’m a big go with your gut person. I have pretty decent instincts. I’m not saying I’m always the best as listening to them, but when I do it’s generally the right call. I’ve regretted the times when I sat with my hands over my ears screaming LA LA LA LA to drown out my intuition, but it still happens. It happens enough that I’m surprised my friend didn’t call me a raging hypocrite when I was doling out my advice. In fact, that’s very unlike him. I hope he’s feeling OK.

Obviously there are multiple points of view here, but I’m mostly speaking in terms of romantic (or just potentially romantic) relationships. It is so god damn refreshing to know how another person feels about you and, well, everything else under the sun. And it’s very freeing to be able to be up front about your feelings in return. I’M NOT SAYING IT’S EASY, but isn’t it worth it?

Worth what? The risk, the time, the effort. The general putting yourself out there thing. It’s scary. But we’re talking about the person you wish to be closest to out of all the people you know. You decided that person is special enough for that, so why bother holding back? And if you can’t go there, why are they that person for you?

This post is so far from cohesive and is hardly even well thought out, but it’s what’s on my mind. I’m hoping the word purge before bed will free up some space. There’s (home)work to be done around here.

Tagged advice to self, know thyself, love, specifically non-specific feelings